22 January, 2009

What's in a (Nick)name?

I was thinking about Little Ben today at work, like I usually do, when I got to thinking...why do Pittsburghers find it necessary to come up with terrible nicknames for its star athletes and big moments? For every Terrible Towel (priceless) and Immaculate Reception (heavenly) there are hundreds of other pointless aliases for Pittsburgh sports. Personally I blame it on this man's homoerotic fascination with "witty" nicknames.
He wrote the book on sucking.
Bob Prince is spinning in his grave, and has been for the past few decades. Without further ado...
The Man of Troy, in his "short" hair phase.
Troy "the Tasmanian Devil" Polamalu:
No nickname further infuriates me more than this one. Sure, the guy plays like a madman and covers a lot of ground quickly, but for Christ's sake, what does an antiquated cartoon of a crudely sketched Southern Pacific rodent who grunts and spins around a thousand times a second have to do with arguably the best safety in football? He's from California, not Australia. He's humble and soft spoken off the field, quite the contrary to his cartoon counterpart. This name makes no sense to me whatsoever, and yet people buy t-shirts and vanity license plates from Wal-Mart with this shit all over it.

"The Tackle"
First off, let's start by saying if the refs didn't blow the call on the aformentioned "Tasmanian Devil" interception then this play never happens. Second of all, watch the video. It wasn't really a tackle. Let's call it "The Play Where Ben Runs Back, Stumbles, and Hangs On Just Enough to Stop a Dime Back From Permanently Engraving his Name Alongside Nobodies Like Dennis Gibson as a Scrub Who Ended Pittsburgh's Playoff Hopes." Did everyone conveniently forget that Nick Harper was stabbed in the leg by his wife the night before? If I was stabbed in the leg, I certainly wouldn't be running at full speed for at least the next three years. And what if Indy's "Idiot Kicker" (an amazing nickname if I may say so) drills the makeable field goal inside his home dome? But I digress. And I know that by posting this video it only fuels the love fest even more.
Only the Pirates can have someone throw a no-hitter and need extras to win it.
"The Freak Show" your 1997 Pittsburgh Pirates
I'm a grown man. And I guarantee you, if I was getting paid to play professional baseball, even on a joke of an organization such as the Pittsburgh Pirates, I would be outright offended if some stiff like Greg Brown deemed me as a member of "The Freak Show." Now I know when you field a roster comprised of such talent as Matt Ruebel, Kevin Polcovich and Rich Loiselle not much is expected of you, but it wasn't like these guys lit the world on fire. They finished at 78-84, which by Pirates' standards over the past 16 years is a great success, but they allowed 35 more runs then they scored, and surely would have been crushed if by some unforeseen reason God let them overtake the Astros and make the playoffs. I guess Pittsburghers had something to talk about other than the Steelers in September (oh that's right, Steelers fans didn't start hating Kordell "Slash" Stewart til soon after. Slash, what a nickname.)
Speechless.
Any nickname concocted by Paul Steigerwald
If there was a Terrible Pittsburgh Sports Nicknames mafia, "Steiggy" would be the Don. This guy comes up with any excuse to come up with a terrible nickname for anyone. From "Petr Gunn" to "Little Tiger" Kennedy, his unoriginal bullshit never ceases to amaze me. There's way too many offenses to list here. I often wonder to myself if his brother John is ashamed to share a last name with him. Clearly he got the sports talk talent (and the impeccable facial hair) gene in the Steigerwald family. Please bring Mike Lange back to television and leave the clever sayings to him, I implore you.

There's plenty more nickname fouls that I've left off, but I assure you they're not forgotten. I just realized that I have more important things to do, like create myself on NHL09 and think about what kind of terrible nickname Steiggy would give me.

1 comment:

  1. clearly the best nickname in pittsburgh sports is the one given to james harrison by his teammates (if you don't know what it is, i'm not at liberty to say it on here, because, well, i'm afraid of both him and the naacp.)

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