How cool is it that today's version of FUCK BOSTON FRIDAY falls on Friday the 13th. I was going to come up with some scary story about the Red Sox, but instead I will update you, the people who matter, on what the Fag Sox have been up to this offseason...
Ellsbury CF - Jacoby spent his offseason in France, having his asshole surgically widened so he can fit all of Tim Wakefield's arm in it, not just the knuckle.
Pedroia 2b - Dusty's brother's obsession with childcock has been well documented, so we'll let this disgrace go for now...
Ortiz DH - Big Papi has been working on his saxophone skills, in hopes that he can tour with the Dave Matthews Band in place of the late... oh I forgot his name already. It must suck not to matter.
Youkilis 1B - Big Kev was last spotted crying, jacking off with mustard - drying his tears on a Kevin Millar Orioles jersey.
Bay LF - Jason returned to Canada, where he opened up a maple syrup company called "Jason's As Close Tasting to Cum As I could Get Maple Syrup". He is said to be revoultionizing the syrup world, using a manufacturing process where the syrup is poured down a fat guy's asscrack before it is bottled. Interesting.
Drew RF - I'm not too sure what JD was up to, hopefully suicide.
Lowell 3B - Mike spent the offseason traveling and talking to little kids about cancer. When asked how he beat it, Mike stated - when you are this fucking gay, even cancer doesn't want to stay in your body.
Varitek C - Jason spent the offseason in contract negotiations with the Red Sox. He turned down an offer that would have paid him more, this boggled Red Sox fans. Well, the reason he turned down the initial offer is because the team would not provide batteries for his 9 headed dildo on roadtrips. Jason ended up winning in the end.
Lowrie SS - This fuckhole built a shrine to Jack Wilson, hoping that someday, he will be part of a web gem.
anxiously awaiting your offseason review of the sox pitching staff, which got me thinking of brad penny. how in god's name did that guy get his fingers in alyssa milano? but then again, she's pretty much banged every guy to play in the mlb over the past five years.
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