Haters

So it's been brought to my attention, because I feel that Medium Ben is not up to par with the Mannings and Bradys of the world, that I am a "hater." I personally take offense to this assessment. I consider myself a Pittsburgh sports fan, first and foremost. But I am also a sports fan in general, and don't allow my rooting interests to blind my opinions on players and teams from other markets. To prove my point, I am about to reveal some of the better-known Pittsburgh sports "haters" that can be found throughout the sports world.Anyone from Philthadelphia: The large metropolitan area on the other side of Pennsylvania is a barren wasteland filled with arrogant "fans" who don't know their ass from a hole in the ground. Everyone knows how they booed Santa, and have only one major sports championship in the past thirty years (I cried when the Phillies won this year. OK I didn't really shed physical tears, but I did cry inside. At least you can still say "1975" to a Cryers fan and they'll know exactly what you mean. And you can still say "Never" to an Eagles' fan.) People from Philly are like those frat boys that wanna fight you for no reason when you show up to a party with a hot chick they'll never get because of their small penis and lack of personality. They're extremely jealous of the City of Champions. They even tried to steal that monicker after the Phillies won in October, cause you know, one championship in Philly in thirty years is the equivalent of four in Pittsburgh. You can't fool us Fast Eddie Rendell. You may pose for a photo op with a cute little girl and a Terrible Towel, but we'll never forget how you used all that government money for new Philly arenas and stadiums while the Pens had to threaten relocation to even get a sniff of help.
Anyone from Cleveland: The Mistake by the Lake. See above, but change "one championship in thirty years" to "no championships in 45 years." Ouch. Their jealousy covers more territory than lake effect snow. If you wanna instantly make a grown man from Cleveland cry, just mention one of these names... Art Modell, Michael Jordan, John Elway, Earnest Byner, Jose Mesa, Tim Couch. Or, in your best announcer's voice..."Starting at small forward for your 2010 New York Knicks, LeBron James!" Don Cherry: Don Cherry is a human punchline. He's best known for his outrageous suits he wears on Hockey Night in Canada and not his coaching, because let's face it, he was a terrible coach. It's even been rumored that he played hockey. I guess playing ONE GAME in the NHL allows you to openly criticize the stars of today. He's famous in the 'Burgh for his open criticism of Sid the Kid, saying he was too young to captain the Pens and pointing out that he is a whiner and a diver (if every no talent hack was cheap shotting me every time down the ice, I'd whine too.) He saves Evgeni Malkin some love too, once calling him a "dog" and chastizing him for shooting at an empty net for a hat trick instead of passing the puck to someone else. If his name was Doug Gilmour and he was Canadian and not Russian, Cherry would be eating his asshole right now.
Joe Flacco: Joe Flacco has to hate the entire city of Pittsburgh. He originally went to Pitt out of high school, but like most pretty boy college quarterbacks, if they aren't starting, daddy helps them transfer out (although in this case, Walt Harris got it wrong. Where are you now, Tyler Palko?) He went on to Delaware, and somehow gave every small school quarterback hope that you can go to a joke school and still get drafted in the first round. As fate would have it, Joe ends up with the Baltimore Ravens, who just happen to see the Pittsburgh Steelers at least twice every year. So every year Flacco gets to revisit the place where his career began, sort of. Joe doesn't hide his distaste for the Steel City...when asked who he would pick to win Super Bowl XLIII, Flacco responded, "I saw Warren Sapp pick the Steelers because he wanted the Cardinals to win and I think I'm going to do the same thing. I'm think I'm going to pick the Steelers, but I'll be routing for the Cardinals." Way to go, Joe. Doing something because Warren Sapp does it, if only everyone in America did that, we'd all be in better shape. Coming in 2012...Dancing With the Stars, starring Joe Flacco.
Carson Palmer: What a surprise...another AFC North quarterback hates the Steelers. If the Browns had a QB that wasn't busy doing this or this I'm sure he'd hate Pittsburgh too. It's hard not to blame him, if I was stuck on one of the worst teams in recorded history and had to play what has been deemed the best franchise in sports, I'd be jealous too. It doesn't help that Kimo von Oelhoffen almost ended his career three years ago. While he says that he has "...nothing against the city, the fans or the individual players" you know it eats Carson up inside when he sees that his former college roommate has two Lombardi trophies, while his team's season highlight was a tie with the Philthadelphia Eagles. Carson hates things in Ohio too. Atta boy, Carson, you just successfully alienated the 13 Bengal fans left in existence.
Tennessee Titans: The Titans used to be the Houston Oilers. The Houston Oilers used to be in the same division as the Steelers. Some of my earliest Steeler memories include watching the Stillers take on Jerry Glanville, Warren Moon and the Run 'n Shoot Oilers in the "House of Pain." After Bud Adams did his best Art Modell impersonation and moved the team to Tennessee, the Oilers changed names and divisions and became nothing more than an occasional conference foe for the Steelers, but nevertheless still proved to be a thorn in the Steelers' side (Joe Nedney, anyone?) This season, the Titans surprised many by finishing the season with the best record in the AFC, including a 31-14 dismantling of the Steelers in week 16. Most noteworthy in the lopsided affair was the defiling of the immortal Terrible Towel at the hands of Keith Bulluck and LenDale White. Steeler fans were appalled, it was the equivalent of someone entering their house, drinking all their Iron City and taking the virginity of their 12 year old daughter. Steeler fans eagerly anticipated a playoff rematch, but because of divine intervention (never mess with Myron Cope, dead or alive) the Titans lost their opening round matchup with the Ravens. Who knows what would possess Bulluck and White to stoop so low...I attribute it to frustration. Bulluck is pissed that his alma mater Syracuse has become nothing but a doormat in the Big Least and White was probably hurt by the fact that the Steelers passed on him in the draft, knowing that with the retirement of Jerome Bettis, the Steelers were in dire need of a sloppily overweight running back. And don't forget that Jeff Fisher still has an axe to grind with former Steelers coaching legend Bill Cowher...it was special teams ace Cowher who ended Fisher's playing career early on a kickoff return.
Phil Simms, Cris Collinsworth, Boomer Esiason, Shannon Sharpe, and countless other players-turned-analysts: This is something that eats at Biggamekilla and doesn't allow him to sleep at night. He LOATHES these guys. Phil Simms is supposedly the lead color analyst on NBC's game of the week. By listening to him, you'd be hard pressed to find someone who is worse at his job. He's utterly clueless. His perfectly feathered blonde hair helmet must not allow any useful information to penetrate his skull. And he often takes jabs at your beloved Black and Gold. During the AFC Championship game, Simms believed the Ravens "have them right where they want them" even though the Steelers had the ball and were up by six points at the time. Yep, that's where I wanna be in the biggest game of the year. I think a lot of his jealousy comes from the fact that his son has been a colossal failure (he was one of those pretty boy transfers in college too) and he can't take the notion that Medium Ben is rightfully taken his spot as the best game managing quarterback in NFL history. As for Cris Collinsworth, he was a Bengal. As soon as he put on the Zubaz helmet, he was instilled with Steeler hate. I think he's just pissed that he never gets mentioned among the greatest white wide receivers in history. What a pompous asshole. Boomer was a Bungle too (another former division-rival QB), explaining why he might not like the Stillers that much. There's nothing more entertaining than watching him jab the Pittsburgh Kid Dan Marino about never winning the big game, even though Danny Boy had more talent in his left pinky finger than Boomer ever did in his entire body. He doesn't even deserve to sniff Dan's used jockstrap. And then there's Boomer's pregame sidekick, everyone's favorite loudmouth, former Ravens' thug Shannon Sharpe. I've never seen a CBS pregame show where he's picked the Steelers to win their matchup. I've never understood his reasoning behind it either, because when the guy opens his mouth to speak, all I hear is the sound of lips flapping.

Notice that I did not recognize any Pirates' haters. Everyone hates the Pirates. They're like your heroin-addicted brother who used to be Mr. Popular in high school, until his ultra-hot girlfriend (Barry Bonds) left him right after graduation and he discovered coke. Next thing you know it's 16 years later, he's recently kicked out of your parents' basement and unemployed after Wendy's fired him for not showing up anymore. You still love him, and you still have that faint glimmer of hope that he might turn it around, but in reality you know he's only feeding you lines of bullshit and taking all your money. I'm just praying that Neal Huntington is the Pirates' version of the TV show "Intervention."

So there you go. Next time anyone wants to call me a "hater" just understand that having an opinion on Pittsburgh sports that isn't borderline homoerotic doesn't mean I hate. It just means I'm smarter than you.